My thoughts today

November 26, 2009 at 1:55 PM · Filed under Beginings, DH, Family, Friends, Home, Incidents, Just me..., Social Issues, Us

I am a small town girl in heart and mind. I like living in a safe (relatively) city, a place where the lights are turned off at 11, where we know everyone by name, by being able to cross the length of the city in under 2 hours, which has ZERO competition and where we are able to get masala dosa & coffee with ease :) . So, needless to say I am not a big fan of Mumbai. I go to Mumbai for approximately 3 days, if I have to go and the agenda for those 3 days are:

Day 1 – Gorge on J ma’s chicken pot roast and mini pizzas

Day 2 – Get a tattoo

Day 3 – Finish shopping and say a mandatory hello to Appa’s numerous relatives (who by the way gawk at me like I am some rare bird species)

Also, I find Mumbai moving at warp speed which I honestly cannot keep up with. In fact, back when I was done with college, I got a job in Mumbai. But my hand bag was stolen, floods happened, 7/11 happened and it was too much to take in. So I packed my bags and returned home in 2 weeks, yes, 2 WEEKS! But what I realized in those 2 weeks was that I could survive any where in the world. I could take on an eve teaser at the railway station and there would be 1 aunty at least who would support me. I could call my mother & cry in Tamil or call the DH & cry in Kannada and there would be one soul who would come over and comfort me in Tamil or Kannada. I could walk out in the middle of the night (1 o’clock!!) to buy chikoo ice cream and no one would stare at me. I could wear the lowest cut dress and still travel in the local bus. So, many things that would not have been possible in namma ooru (our place), a place that I call home.

So, when last year I saw the news and mumbled the most inane & ineffective blog post, I was ashamed of myself. I realize now, how much went on, how many suffered, how many are STILL suffering, how things may never be the same and how suspicion has taken a permanent seat in the hearts of the most positive people on the planet. So today, its been a year and I still have nothing special to say expect that everyone who ever suffered in those attacks, you are in my prayers and I wish that was the last kind of senseless loss you ever see.

Also, its Thanksgiving in the US and it honestly, does not affect me in any way. But getting in the spirit of things, I want to mention what I am thankful for. (Thanks for the idea, Poo darling :) )

  1. My job. With the recession & everything that’s happened, I never saw a bad day. I continued having work with no pay cuts and also with a decent bonus.
  2. My family. Things have been up and down but one thing thats been steady is our love and support for each other and for this I am very grateful.
  3. Financial relief. In spite of the recession and bad economy, the DH and I were able to close a couple of loans and indulge in a couple of luxuries. Thank God!!
  4. Health - Everyone’s! The MIL had a very bad start this year but touch wood, has gotten healthier. My parents who also had a bad year health-wise last year are doing good. I am very thankful for that.
  5. Friends - I have made the most wonderful friends this year. Ak, who was just a colleague has become a wonderful sounding board for me. Blog friends who have opened their hearts out and discussed their personal issues with me. They also listen to my endless, silly problems. They will always hold a special place in my heart.
  6. DH - Last, but not the least, my DH. Over the years, things have changed, people have changed, circumstances have changed, jobs have changed and friends have changed. The only thing that has remain constant has been my neighbor/ friend/ best friend/ boy friend/ husband. I cannot imagine a life without him now.

Go out and hug everyone who made a difference to your otherwise mundane life and weed out all the negativity and bad people. Because most importantly, the thing we need to be most thankful for, is being alive; being healthy and alive.

So tell me, what are you thankful for?

Comments (12)

Paradise!

November 24, 2009 at 12:56 PM · Filed under Me, Pictures

I complain about work a lot now a days, A LOT. Its getting more hectic, technical, tough and its pretty much eating away into my personal time, not to mention my blogging time :(   But there are some things about work, rather my work place that I love and that’s where I sit. I sit in the 7th floor in the middle of nowhere and we have no buildings next to us. I also sit near the window and this is my view every time I turn back….

my paradise

Nice huh?!? :D

So, what’s your favorite thing about your work place?

Comments (41)

For the women :)

November 21, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Filed under Marriage, Me, Pictures

Its the weekend. Saturday evening to be precise and here I am soo bored with nothing to do and nothing to write either. So, I started seeing the pictures stored on the laptop and finally settled on seeing the folder containing our all the stuff we bought for the wedding. It was probably the best time for me, the shopping part, better than the actual wedding too :D . Also, I know I don put many pictures on the blog so, I figured I would share some of them here :) .

Ok, all of you with your mouths open passing snarky comments on my infrequent picture posts, Shurrup!!! :P

Wedding Reception Saree - from the DH :)

Church Wedding - By my parents

Hindu Wedding - By in-laws

This one I liked. Never wore it for the wedding though

A wedding set. My favorite!

Thali :)

Comments (38)

Don know, don care

November 17, 2009 at 7:04 AM · Filed under Problems, Rant, Stupidity

I wish there was a way to teach people Dee-speak. I don think anyone comprehends or understands when I feel angry, happy, depressed etc. They treat me so remotely and let me dwell on my emotions alone. I don know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. And when I say “people” it applies to everyone I know, even my parents and especially the DH.

I was kind of pissed off about something at work and most often than not, I tend to take it out on the DH. So, this time I told him that I was going to be incommunicado for the rest of the evening and he said OK. What I really was telling him was I am miserable and I would love for you to pamper me and make me feel a million times better. It hurts that after all this time together, he doesn’t get me. I mean come on, even if I was the most complicated person on earth, you had 14 years with me, 14 years of close proximity with me; he should have been able to read me like an open book. I can tell whats going on in his head and heart every single time. I guess I expected the same courtesy, not ignorance.

Well, this all brings me to why do we form such bonds as humans? Do we need this or is this a bad form of addiction that we cannot break out of? The work thing I was pissed off was also because I became to invested in it and spent time on it even when it was not required and what I got back in return was a proverbial “slap in the face”, only that it came in an email. And, really I should have logically known that the DH hardly cares about my moods, (probably because he was brought up in an atmosphere like that!?!) but why do I keep trying to find out if he gets me, if he understands what I need without the need to use words? And the most pathetic part of this entire drama is me being the one hurt and crying buckets like a filmy mom at the end of the movie. Sigh, one lives to learn another painful lesson.

My parents honestly don’t get me. Maybe it’s because they are really simple or maybe because they are way more complicated than me. Besides, my sister is the favorite child across the family – These are stuff I have made peace with a long time ago and again this is possibly because I had no choice and I honestly did it to maintain my sanity. This also the reason, why I am still clinging on to the first boy who showed any interest in me and continue  to shower him with the love and attention I never received. But, I do want to point out that I did grow up with a lot of love from my parents, it just wasn’t the kind of love that I wanted. The MIL’s nastiness has become a thing of past. Last night she tells me that I am a terrible driver, out of nowhere. And all this  ungratefulness was a result of driving her across the city every time she fancied to do something. I guess being the DIL, one has to learn to accept insults as a part of the job description.

It’s now, 6.15 PM and I am still at work. I will be at work till about 9.30 following which I am honestly contemplating on heading to the airport and taking off to somewhere, anywhere. I want to wallow and suffer in this pain and rejection. Maybe it will teach me to be an unappreciate bitch too, like the rest of the people in my life.

Comments (28)

Appa’s Girl

November 12, 2009 at 7:43 AM · Filed under Appa, Home, Problems, Stupidity, Us

Seeing your father cry probably ranks right on top with dying.

Growing up my father was the unemotional parent, the one who was practical, the one who took care of things and the one who basically never talked to us. We never really cared because Amma was the opposite of Appa in every single way; she more than made up for Appa’s lack of communication. Appa never told us when we were going through problems or when we were doing extremely well. We found out a lot only towards the end of college or at work. And since he is so tight-lipped about telling us things, we never asked. Apparently, he was without a job for 1 year during high school, I just found that out about a couple of weeks ago. See, thats what I mean when I said he does not speak to us :( .

So, anyway my parents are going through some financial crisis due to some extremely bad decisions that my father made a couple of years ago. Akka and I have been helping them out, but I don think it sits well with my “proud” father. So, I came up with the suggestion to sell the house and move to a flat. Reasons being: we live in one of the good areas in the city and we will definitely get a good price for a house thats close to 30 years old. Also, my parents are getting old and I would like them to live in a place that has security, maintenance people, shops around and people around. My father was most upset with the idea of selling our childhood home but I pushed him to at least consider it arguing that the reason we have an asset is to help us in our time of need. He said he would think about it, but really, my father did nothing about it.

All the above happened about a year ago. Around the same time, a college friend of Appa’s got him a job at a business he runs with his 2 sons. Everything was going good and it was fine until recently when I started noticing him being very reclusive and falling sick repeatedly. Anyone who knows my father, knows what a health nut he is. He takes very good care of his health for a chain smoker :) . Anyway, I asked Amma yesterday morning before leaving to work, why Appa was not well and told her that I’d take him to the doctor in the evening when I came back from work. Amma got all upset and said, “Appa is falling sick because he is upset da kanna”. I got worried and asked her what happened and she told me the whole story. To give you a gist of the story, the youngster in the office fired Appa and I think in his anger Appa quit. So, now the money problems were back and this was worrying him immensely.

So, yesterday evening I came from work, marched into my parents house and demanded they sell the house before they drive themselves to an early grave. I even volunteered to take on a home loan for them, if they were willing to put down a deposit on a flat. I volunteered to take care of other expenses too. I guess this made Appa and Amma feel marginally better and Appa said he will scout out some buyers. Apparently, there is someone who is interested too.

Now, I made all those promises to my parents without so much as consulting the DH. I never make any decisions without talking to him first. And that was my parents’ first and most important concern and so Appa suggested that we talk it out over the weekend and we can iron out the problems. I was adamant that there was nothing to discuss and that I wanted them to move out before Christmas. Appa again asked me to check with the DH and so I did. You know, you have married the right man when he says “Ok, cool” for everything you ask. He said that I did not have to ask him this, I should have known that he would have said yes. Appa was so moved.

I love my parents and I know its my father’s generosity that got him into this mess that he currently is in. Its also the curse of the middle-class that we are paying loans from the time we start a job to the day we retire. However, I would like you all to keep my parents in your prayers so that they can get out of this mess with no harm done.

Comments (52)

Just me

November 10, 2009 at 6:48 AM · Filed under All better, Beginings, DH, Family, Incidents, Just me..., Me, the in-laws

Over the past few days I have been telling the DH how happy I am that I started a blog. How I have never felt so comfortable discussing some seriously shitty things, that too in a public forum. My parents probably know me better because of the things I write in my blog because I was not very communicate as a child or growing up. In fact, when I tell Amma something, she invariably ends it with “oh yeah, I read it on the blog”. So, yes people, I am now telling things to my blog before I tell them to my mom!! That has never happened before.

Apart, from the fact that I am born again without shame this time :P ; this blog has got me a ton of friends. I actually think I know more people on cyber space than I know in real life. I see a whole lot of numbers on my cell phone but I really can pick about 2 or 3 of them who are friends, another couple who are family and the rest are acquaintances.

Also, things that I think my blog has brought to my notice is that I am seriously ambition-less :D .. I keep telling the DH that my favorite dream, hope, ambition is to be a writer.. But seriously, I don have a clue of what kind of writer I want to be, what kind of book I want to write. I have not even sketched a plot out; not on paper and not even in MY HEAD. But what I do know is I like to write, I like putting all my thoughts in a big bowl and mixing it up and coming up with something different, something special (at least for me) and something that is 100% authentic, Dee style :)

I am a whole lot more patient and kind. Why you ask? Over the weekend, the DH had gone out to get the car stereo fixed, while I was at home.. The MIL and the SIL (who is here always!!) were in the other room and I was in my room.. Now, the rooms are separated by a bathroom.. It’s technically more of a toilet with the washing machine there.. So, you can imagine its tiny and carries over voices.. Obviously the MIL and SIL don know and they complained to each other on how I have begun to monopolize the DH, and how the DH follows me around like a sick puppy and that he is becoming as ill-mannered as the company he keeps etc.. Normally, this would have infuriated me and I would have let my temper simmer and boil by the time DH came home and then let him have a piece of it.. But this time, it totally slipped.. When I heard them talk about me, I said “nothing new” to myself and continued with my work.. Then, later on in the evening when we headed out to dinner, I remembered and told the DH what had happened.. He was upset but I told him not to worry because it does not matter and his mother was speaking out of frustration and she could only take it out with her daughter.. Hell, I chew Amma’s brains out when I go home.

The DH was as shocked by my behavior as I was.. He said that he was happy that I understood what happened and was being mature about it. He, off course, told me he loved me, regardless of what people talked about us.. And he said, I owe my behavioral change to my blog; because this is so not me!!

So, a big thank you to everyone reading this space and commenting. What would I do without you guys?

Comments (38)

Boohoo me :(

November 5, 2009 at 5:24 AM · Filed under Childhood, DH, Love, Marriage, Me, Problems, Rant, Us

Well, life has become such a routine.. We get up, get dressed, go to work, come back, eat, sleep and start the whole process again the next morning :) .. I keep thinking why can’t our life get more exciting and fun.. I wonder if selling everything we own and hitch-hiking through Europe would make our dreary lives more fun? I don talk stuff like this with the DH because he is such a profound soul who is happy and thankful for his life.. Moron! Same as Amma.. Bah, happy people, they make me angry :(

I have reached this stage in life where I am craving for something exciting or out of ordinary to happen, ANYTHING.. Yesterday near work, there were thousands of bats flying around and the DH and I were giddy like school girls on drugs! And any normal person would have stayed in but we started calling the bats back and making lame-ass jokes about being Batman and Robin.. Sigh, we are such geeks :)

When we were young, in love and supremely broke, we would have so much fun!! The DH did so many special things for me and I for him.. He did his engineering in a small town about 70 kms from Bangalore and we were miserable without each other for about 5 days a week.. So, there were days that he would just ride down to Bangalore to have lunch with me and go back home.. I used to sleep in his t-shirts because it would smell of him.. I would spend the entire 5 days plotting & planning to make Saturday and Sunday last forever! We would ride to god knows what areas, eat god knows what food and scan every god forsaken area for a relative or neighbor :D .. Good times those were..

Now, the DH and I are so busy being successful and making money that we forget that we were the happiest having no money.. The DH got 250 rupees a week, so about 1000 bucks a month for his rent, food, petrol etc in college and I got about 500 bucks a month as pocket-money for my bus charge, books, xerox needs etc.. We still managed to make ends meet and keep cash till the end of the month.. Now, we are soo stingy that we have the money but we are unwilling to spend it! Anytime alone was spent talking about dreams and doing some err… naughty things :P .. Now, all the free time is spent on making expense sheets, bitching about MIL, catching up on lost sleep, catching up on pending work.. Oh lord, the list is endless..

What happened? Did we loose our mojo? Did we take each other for granted, a little too much? Was it because we got married? Because I think just before we got married, it was still fun! I admit I have been very busy at work and I have not noticed it.. But now, seeing 2 people in love and coochie-cooing makes me want to cry and rip their eyes out.. I wish we could do something non-mechanical; something thats spontaneous and surprise the DH.. Short of shaving my head, I cannot think of anything.

Ideas, anyone?!?

Comments (58)

Tags & Awards :)

November 3, 2009 at 10:48 AM · Filed under Uncategorized

The always sweet Nu came to my rescue of having nothing to say (which is shocker na?!?) by sending across this wonderful tag. Anyone want to do it, please go ahead and leave a link where I can come across n check :D

1.Where is your cell phone? Here

2.Your hair? Black

3.Your mother? Everything

4.Your father? Patient

5.Your favorite food? Chinese

6.Your dream last night? Puppies :P

7.Your favorite drink? Gauva-juice

8.Your dream/goal? Writer

9.What room are you in? Office :(

10.Your hobby? Reading

11.Your fear? Heights!

12.Where do you want to be in 6 years? Australia :D

13.Where were you last night? Home

14.Something that you aren’t? Slim (sigghhhhh)

15.Muffins? huh?!?

16.Wish list item? Loan-free

17.Where did you grow up? Bangalore

18.Last thing you did? Worked

19.What are you wearing? Salwar

20.Your TV? Philips

21.Your pets? Goldie

22.Friends? 5

23.Your life? Mine :D

24.Your mood? Sleepy

25.Missing someone? Nope

26.Vehicle? FIAT

27.Something you’re not wearing? Glasses

28.Your favorite store? Landmark

29.When was the last time you laughed? Yesterday

30.Last time you cried? don remember

31.Your best friend? DH

32.One place that you go to over and over? “My home” :D

33.One person who emails me regularly? Akka

34.Favorite place to eat? Aroma’s of China

 

Apart from the tag from Nu, I was also awarded the Honest Scrap award from the wisdomous Blue Mist.

honestscrapaward1

Honest Me :)

 

Also, the lovely Titaxy thinks that my blog is lovely… Aww, feeling the love people :D

 

onelovelyblog-swaram

My lovely blog :)

 

Now, I have the horrible choice of choosing people..

Abha - For being the first person ever to take my stupid problems on my blog & make it personal.. For being my first blog-turned-real friend who we continue to meet over awesome dinners :)

Revs - For being the sweetest lil thing.. I dunno what it feels like to have a lil crazy sister.. If I could choose, it would be her!!

La Vida Loca – Come on.. Please start the blog.. I miss you! (Did not link you since u want ur blog to be private)

AHK – She is soo happy, I feel like hugging someone whenever I read her posts.. It makes me feel so real..

Cluelessness - She is my soul sister.. Her thoughts, her crazy doggie behavior, everything!!

Comments (18)

People person

November 1, 2009 at 8:20 AM · Filed under All better, Childhood, Friends, Just me..., Love, Social Issues

Aren’t there a couple of people who are inherently good with everyone? I have had some “acquaintances” who I have met over the course of my life while doing different things who have been a sort of support system for me. Typically speaking, these wonderful people should be called friends or soul mates but for some reason they aren’t. And I have been thinking about them over the past few days and feel really guilty for not even having stored their numbers to talk to them now. So, I figured I would reminisce about them and hope that where ever they are, they are happy and god has blessed them for being such wonderful human beings.

My friend in my previous company, Deepti.. I am using her name because I don even know if she reads blogs or where she is currently.. I do know that she got married couple of weeks ago and she sent me a mail from her official ID; which is kind of useless because she is moving to Pune and I have no way of even sending her a congratulatory email. She helped me so much because as a fresher I knew zilch. She has sat with me and helped me figure out things so that I did not get yelled at by our very grouchy boss even if it meant her staying back till late night and completing her work.. I did not even know hw she was sacrificing her time to help me out. Today I am in a fabulous job and I think its her helping me out that has made me more confident and ensured that I got my bases right :)

My college mate An.. He was my rock through a very very terrible 4 years.. The DH and I were going through a lot of trouble relationship wise and we in fact broke up for a couple of weeks.. To retaliate, the DH started dating another girl in his college and that really broke my heart.. I ended up nt eating, walking around in a daze, flunking subjects for the very first time in my life and doing something I am very very ashamed off.. Anyway, everyone made fun of him saying he was trying to get me on the rebound which was so untrue.. He spent time with me because he stayed 2 roads away from home, forced me to take up tuition to work on subjects I had done bad, insisted that I get a life.. But then, after I started working, we drifted apart and I only got around to reconnecting with him only a couple of months ago.. Somehow I cannot imagine the muscular guy as the sweet loving friend he was.. I keep thinking I need to thank him and tell him if he was not thr during those bad months, I honestly dunno how I would have turned out…

There are have been a lot of times where I have been in a sticky situation without Appa, the DH or my BFF but I have noticed that regardless of that, I have been able to find someone to help me out.. It’s a colossal tribute to the human spirit that we can help or find help without any trouble… When there is an accident on the road, people rush to help the injured without having a clue of who is lying there in a pool of blood.. Without being told, people in a bus get up when a pregnant woman or a lady with a small baby enters.. There are the usual jerks, but I have always seen the good outweigh the bad..

Has there been that one person who has made some change to ur life? I don mean a life altering change, someone who has made u feel special for some time, even a minute?

Comments (30)

Be a man!

October 29, 2009 at 5:05 AM · Filed under DH, Family, Incidents, Just me..., Marriage, Problems, Social Issues, Stupidity, WTF

So, my father has been talking to me of late.. He keeps telling me to refer to the DH’s house as “my house” as against my father’s house as “my house”. And as much as I try I cannot refer to any other place as my house.. Even our apartment was “the flat”, it was never “my house”. So naturally, I picked a fight with my dad and told him he was disowning me and we both ended up sulking for a long time..

Why is it that women have to make the biggest changes as we grow up.. We have to start moderating our clothes, our activities, our relationships with men, our marriages, “new houses”, changing bodies etc. I am not angry and I am not saying that men don have to make the changes either, but what I am saying is that it is EXPECTED of us to make these changes whereas men are not expected to change for or accomodate anyone in their life. And this frustrates me, immensely!

My husband is very hands on at home.. The days when the maid does not come, we divide the work amongst us and get things done. But the minute he finishes the house work, my MIL will rush to him with a steaming glass of coffee and put the fan on full blast to cool him down. My FIL will bring him a chair and position it under the fan where he would get maximum cool air. But when, I am done with my chores, I am immediately asked to finish bath and told repeatedly not to touch anything because I could dirty it.. And, I think every wife has faced the “your-so-lucky-ur-hubby-helps-u” statements just because he sweeps the house once a week.. How come I am not lucky for the DH? I bring in as much as him to the table at home and do the same things he does for me. For example, when the DH takes me to family functions on my side, the SIL tells me, ur so lucky the DH comes with u and takes u to family functions.. But when I drive the injured or sick DH around, people say “Smart boy teaching your wife to drive, huh!”. I mean, come on people, give the woman some credit too.

Well, the whole point I was trying to make in this pointless post is, that as much as the men in our houses get modern, there is still that Neanderthal behavior that lives deep within them. The expectation that you change ur name, ur life to suit another individual is unfair. I love my current life and what comes in addition to it is welcome, but it cannot change who I am as a person.

As a teenager, I had some very unrealistic ideas of having a husband who would match with me on every level. At that stage the DH & I were going around, but honestly, neither of us thought we would last that long. It was only an extended summer romance for the two of us. I always told myself, the parents & the DH that when I grow up and have my own house, I refuse to listen to anyone. I will sleep where I want, put my feet on my furniture, wake up when I want, stop buying rice, eat what I want and go where ever I want. Out of all these, I think the only thing I do is sleep late, nothing else. NOTHING.

Do I feel cheated? Yes, very cheated. Because I do not think I am being unreasonable. I guess each one has some dreams or idea of what kind of life they want to live. When I complain about this to Amma or the DH, they think I am saying “I am lazy” using a whole lot of words more! I wish there was some way I could tell myself to shut up and not care.

But I care, I really, really do care!

Comments (74)

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