28

January 18, 2012 at 11:11 AM · Filed under Childhood, Family, Me, Opinion, Rant

Next Sunday, I will be 28. It’s a shit age to be and I cannot wait for the 22nd to be done! And having birthdays’ in January, pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the year. True story.

Why am I irritated to turn 28? It’s what I call the “too young to be old and too old to be young” age. If I went out and did something insane, I know I’d feel silly thinking “grow up!” and if I did not, I’d feel “yawn girl, u need to chill sometimes”.

Obviously, the threat of the looming 28 makes me stupid and ghetto, as evidenced above :P

Anyhoo, this turning of 28 is making me extremely emotional. Like crying to sleep emotional. So frequently emotional, that the minute I start crying, the DH snuggles deeper into his blanket and snores in nano seconds to avoid my deep philosophical debates which I can only conjure up at 1 in the night. Maybe its me unconsciously crying out at the impending end of my twenties, but look like I am waiting to turn 30 because I told everyone one that I am going to Paris for my 30th birthday and damn it, I will!

Even as a child I never had the patience or enthusiasm for my birthdays. Maybe it’s because:

  • My supremely lazy parents left the christmas decorations on a little longer and blew a couple of balloons for my birthday… to make it look like they made an effort.
  • Someone or the other always died/gave birth/was dying/hated my face etc and never made it to my birthday party. So, it became a wasted effort to cook elaborate meals for the 4 of us and then a torture to shove down 2kgs of cake because my parents, sister and I do not have sweet-tooths.
  • Because we were christians and the neighborhood hindu aunties were worried we’d shove beef down their kids throats. (MIL, I am looking at you)
  • Because exam freak outs begin and people start studying for 8 hours a day for their 4th standard final exams in March!
  • Because I am the book nerd and would not appreciate good gifts (assumption by everyone). So, no point buying her pretty things which then translates into “should we even bother going?”
  • Because whether parents all over the world admit it or not, they ALWAYS have a soft spot for the first-borns.

And finally, because…

  • The DH couldn’t afford to give me awesome birthdays because he was a wee little thing :)

One day, I am so going to turn into THAT adult who is scared shitless when someone comes up and screams “Happy Birthday” because sooner or later, I will have forgotten all about this forgetful day.

Comments (34)

I opened this page a 100 times..

January 4, 2012 at 2:24 PM · Filed under Beginings, DH, Home, Love, Marriage, Me

and yet I don’t think I have anything to say!

New years’ and Christmas just flew by. We had a ton of relatives on both of the family. A cousin got engaged. My sister-in-law is having another baby next year. We refused to socialize because we wanted to start 2012 with no fanfare and alcohol. We stayed at home and I made a gourmet meal (fish fry, pepper chicken & salad) NOT. The DH splurged on some good whisky, got me some diet coke and we smooched at the stroke of 12 and we turned the lights off at 12.15.

I want to feel sad at our pathetic life, but somehow it seemed fitting, seemed completely us. This is probably how grown ups behave.

The DH and I have some big decisions to make this year. Like:

We had been thinking about having kids the whole of last year and I think this year, we are ready. However, we aren’t sure about how to go about planning for a baby, all we know is boy+girl = baby :D Very classy, no? But seriously, I think this year makes sense because I now work for an US manager and most of my calls are either late night or early morning which translates into me working from home a LOT. In addition, I am lucky that my work doesn’t necessarily need me to be physically present at the office. Besides with the DH working normal hours, I think we can manage. Lets see how that goes. I think I jinxed already.

I have given up dreams of being slim, and now focus on just eating right and including an active life style. I think I am just built that way. The last couple of months has been full of healthy eating and while it doesn’t show on me much, the DH is rocking an awesome body with all the diet food in his system. I hate men and their wretched metabolism! With all my relatives over the festival season, I noticed that none of us are what society calls “slim”, but all of us are ridiculously smart :P . Some compensation at least no? ;)

This year, is the year of not stressing. Yesterday night I sat up thinking how I ended up blowing up money the whole of December and I realized its been a pattern for me. Also, there’s no point getting upset because of some smart financial decisions the DH and I made, we actually make money in the first quarter as against to losing it to tax which is the norm for most Indians.

Finally, this year, we WILL travel. I feel like we are forever trying to save money to make one of those dream trips and we always run short. This time, we have decided to use the credit card and/or the savings and make that trip we talk about every night. Where do you think we should go?

Happy New Year!

Dee

 

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Party 2011

December 23, 2011 at 2:28 PM · Filed under Me

Let me begin by apologizing for not responding to any comments from my previous post. I have been very low these past few weeks and I think I am depressed. I am seriously considering visiting a psychiatrist because I find a lot of changes going through my body when I am in one of those funky moods like having severe back aches, migraines and general discomfort. However, on the good days, I feel good. I go and work out, I meet people, I bake (yes, I do!) and generally be a nice person to the DH.

I wish I could pin point and tell everyone why I am depressed, truth is, I don’t know. All that I know is that I need to get out of it fast! So, I find complicated recipes online to try them out, keep myself occupied all the time and force myself to be so exhausted that by the time I go to sleep, I am exhausted.

However, if you met me, I look really normal, I’ll laugh, I’ll make fun of you and let you make fun of me, I’ll start a pity party for my weight and general girly normal-ness. But there are days where I cannot wake up in the morning, I cannot bring myself to face the world again and so I do cowardly things – I work from home, I don’t pick calls, I just mope around home and don’t make the effort to go out and meet people. It hurts me that I cannot feel happy about myself because I know I am better than this, I can do better than this. I have a loving husband, great parents, an awesome sister and my relationship with my in-laws has increased hundred-fold ever since we moved out.

This was my 2011. It had me fighting my inner demons and not always coming out successfully.

I hope you guys have a merry Xmas and wonderful year ahead :)

Love,

Dee

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Trying to understand

December 5, 2011 at 3:21 PM · Filed under Me

Yesterday night, just as the DH was getting settled on our new über comfortable mattress to sleep, I hit him with a deep and insightful comment “I don’t know where my life is heading”.

Now, the DH has known me all my life and he knows what a massive introvert I am. So, a statement like that pretty much means that he needs to gear up, forget about sleep, listen to me rant and proceed to tell the world’s most insecure woman how perfect she is. But unfortunately for him, this time I was really low and I think I scared the poor chap with telling him that I wanted to get my “affairs in order” which is a nice way of saying “dude, I think I am gonna be dead soon!”.

Let me start by saying, I am not sick or unhealthy (that I know of). I am definitely to chicken to commit suicide. I just feel like I am in sort of limbo. I keep thinking about of a lot of things of late. And once something enters my head, it just refuses to leave and the only way for me to throw it out of my head is by letting it play out in my head. I keep thinking this is it, I serve no more purpose which in turn translates into I am going to die!

The DH is thinking seriously about his/our future. He is always thinking about how he can do his job better, how he can be the best at everything he can which in turn translates in making more money, having a stress free life and most importantly, feed into my FabIndia addiction :P But me, I am just living vicariously through him! I am ashamed to say that its true! I don’t care that I am in the same designation the last 4 years, I don’t know how to plan my career, do I even want one? N.O.T.H.I.N.G. I am happy to cling to his coat tails, follow him and enjoy his success. It’s terrible that I have nothing to look forward to. The DH, my loving optimist, thinks its great that I am content, that I am happy with the way things are and says, that he wishes he were like me. Hmmm, the grass is always greener and all that.

I have begun to think about my parents dying. Its morbid and terrible, but I keep thinking what if it happens? Will I even survive it? What I can do to stop its impending arrival? Will I ever be ok with not having parents or a sister? My sister!!!! I am paranoid about her getting even a cough, I harass the shit out of her because, I think its cancer. I hate that its such a psychological scar in me, that even when we are 100 years old, I am going to think she MIGHT have cancer again and die. Losing the DH will just do me in. I am sure, I will lose my shit if anything ever happens to him which is why for some random, stupid reason, I am very curious about the health conditions on my in-law’s side. And the fact that they are all ridiculously healthy *knocks on wood* makes me so happy to know that the marathon running DH will live a long fruitful life and I will never be a widow.

Does everybody think this? Or am I the only one? I always had these thoughts, but it used to be in passing. Lately, I obsess over them and I wish, I believed in God at least a little, just to ease the hypothetical pain I go through all the time. The DH thinks it because he doesn’t do enough for me, I think he does a lot for me. Its us and our way of thinking. All our friends, in our age group are traveling over the world, buying fancy cars, doing fun things; but here we are, being responsible, paying loans and loading up for a future which we aren’t even sure of. Do we want children before success or children after success? Do we want to go out and buy a big house and act rich or save money and buy expensive laptops and phones? There are so many choices that we aren’t sure we chose the right one. And we always try to plan things when history has shown us over & over again how pointless it is to plan our lives.

This was probably pointless post but I just wanted to talk about it and getting it off my chest. I apologize, in advance for putting these ideas into your heads!

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Poor DH

November 17, 2011 at 11:08 AM · Filed under DH

Sig did this awesome tag on the weirdest things about Evs! It was hilarious and if you haven’t read it yet, go now! So, I figured I’ll do it for the DH who is sooper weird, I mean his quirks drive me up the wall and while it seems to have become normal over the last few years, it must still be weird to a lot of new people.

Here goes…

  • The DH has to fold his blanket and all the blankets around him as soon as he wakes up. Sometimes, he wakes up so disoriented, that he walks around the house and folds all types of stuff – clothes, napkins, bed sheets, towels etc. He even has this method of folding or opening his blanket that if not done properly, he will do it over & over again until perfect.

True Story: A couple of months after our wedding, the DH & I went to Bombay to visit an aunt of mine. Since the DH had never made a long train journey till then, we decided to take the train. When it was time to sleep, the DH did his blanket routine and the aunty next to us was so impressed with his folding skills, she asked him if he worked for a hotel making beds! LOL

  • He loves… LOVES continental food. He can have steaks & pasta & pancakes every single meal. But like a true blue brahmin, he still needs to end every meal with curd rice. Its a DISGUSTING combination. Total thayirsaadam he is!
  • He has mini-panic attacks if there’s no milk in the house, because of which we ALWAYS have about 2 litres of milk in our fridge. My father finds it so very weird for 2 adults to have about 2-4 litres of milk in our house at all times, that he has asked us to check if we have some sort of calcium deficiency :P
  • He has a pretty mild form of OCD. Like he will need things to be kept back as soon as they are used. If while having dinner and you move cutlery around, he will rudely move your plate, spoon & fork and set it properly without so much as an “excuse me, I am touching your plate”. He checks the lights, geyser & taps a 100 times before we go out or go to sleep. And he locks the car doors a minimum of 10 times before being convinced that it’s truly locked *rolls eyes*
  • When he dresses up, he’ll wear his pants, his vest (sometimes) and belt up without his shirt/t-shirt on. He will then wear his shirt and remove his belt, tuck his shirt in & belt up again. Did that make sense?!? On days, he’s wearing a t-shirt which he isn’t going to tuck into his pants, he’ll still do the above mentioned routine. It drives me up the wall.
  • He can ONLY sleep on his stomach. He needs to have his blanket/bed sheet covered up to his ears only, not an inch more  and not an inch less

Is it terrible that I wrote this post in 7 minutes flat?!? It was almost like, I was waiting to bitch about my husband :D

Sorry hun, I love ya… in spite of all this craziness :)

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Question

November 7, 2011 at 3:27 PM · Filed under DH, Incidents, Opinion, Rant, Social Issues, Work, WTF

This should be the DH’s question but I have been thinking about this since last night.

The DH contacted an ex-colleague of his for some information. While this person, N is not a close friend of his, they do catch up once-in-a-way. N responded to the DH’s email with some “feedback”. This feedback was negative in all aspects where he basically called the DH selfish and that his ex-colleagues all shared the opinion that he only approached them when he needed help and not to help them back in return.

The DH, being himself, responded with an apology and was most upset that people thought of him that way. He worries that the HR community is small and that not having favorable opinions is a sure-shot way of killing his career!

Me – I am angry. I know that the DH is not a perfect person, he has some annoying habits and they drive me up the wall every single day. But what I will not accept is that he “uses” people. He is one of the kindest people I know and he always goes out of his way to help. What I think has happened is that he has failed to respond to N, because of other commitments.

Moreover, why has N been carrying this grudge around for the last 6 years!! If he was really interested in giving the DH some feedback, why did he wait so long to tell him? The DH even met him for tea a couple of days ago, he could have told him then, instead of sending him a mean email late last night like a coward.

What do you guys think? Was it right for him to give “feedback” without being asked for it? How would you respond in a situation like this – apologize like the DH or ask him to take a hike like me ? :P

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A Sunday well spent :)

October 24, 2011 at 12:10 AM · Filed under Family

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Our fav fur-nephew :)

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Loads of entertainment!

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Some work :)

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Discovering an old love-letter :)

Mush Alert!

That love letter above was written by me to the DH for his 16th birthday! I sound like such a wanna-be. I am all, “Chill..live life to the fullest..go wild”.

I sound sooper lame in that :|

Ohh, how sad was my handwritting! It hasn’t changed much :D

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Where I question everything..

October 14, 2011 at 12:07 AM · Filed under Love, Me, Stupidity

My latest obsession is the Postsecret app on the iPhone. For some reason I am morbidly interested in things people post about. It ranges from the emotional stuff like losing kids & pets to disgusting stuff like p*nis and boobs. And as I read those secrets, I think “really?!? do these things happen?” and I want to reach out to at least one person and give them some sort of comfort.

Reading PostSecret has also made me so grateful for my life. My life is so ordinary, that as I type this I’m yawning. It seems like a miracle that so many things have just passed me without damaging my soul. And now, having crappy in-laws’ and not getting an engineering degree sounds like some first world problems. It has also got me thinking about how I haven’t achieved anything worthwhile in my life and what an escapist I am. If I know something will go wrong, I break off then and there. I will not go down a path of sorting my issues with another person, if in my head, I am convinced that they are wrong. It’s the main reason, I am so bloody annoyed with my relatives. I know all it takes when they get inquisitive is to ignore them, but I dread meeting & answering crap, so I make other plans and avoid them. Friends who whine are like the worst ever. Sometimes, they just ping me in the middle of work and start talking about their problems, it ruins my day and I intentionally log off…. and then spend the rest of the day feeling like terrible person. And if that person is persistent, I confront them with their issues head on and make them feel like crap. (I am a BAD person)

Even worse is how I spend my time now expecting something majorly wrong to happen. Like the DH dying or my parents dying or my sister getting cancer again or me drowning (I am VERY scared of lakes, rivers & oceans) etc. Basically something bad to happen to me & the people I love, because I cannot accept the fact that I am 27 years old and nothing has broken me down. I had a bad time (still do sometimes) when Goldie died, but she was so sick that I had told Appa, if she was not ok by evening I was putting her to sleep. I know that Goldie had a wonderful life and she was truly loved.

I feel guilty for having the DH. It’s a billion in one scenario where you meet the love of your life at birth, fall in love at 11 and grow up to get married to them. He is an amazing husband. He loves me unconditionally, he helps me, he pampers me and gives in to everything I ask or want. He is always deals with my temper in such a positive manner that now, when I lose my shit, talking to him always makes it better. He has never once told me that I was fat or ugly or not good. And now, every time he goes out of his way to do something I think he’s having an affair or its charity on his part because I am a lost case. Am I insane? I think so.

Today, I want to make some changes, I want to care. I want to deal with things and not ignore them or confront them. I want to show my love to people rather than expecting them to know I love them (duh!) and I want to be free of this guilt of having a happy life.

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A letter to the elderly

October 11, 2011 at 11:44 AM · Filed under Family, Home, Me, Rant, Social Issues, Stupidity

Dear old people in my life,

I get it, I am getting old by “Indian” women standards, but every time I sneeze & take cough syrup asking me “your sure?!?” is so bloody annoying. I would know, I am sure I would know!

Since we are clarifying things, lets start with saying, the DH & I know what we’re doing. If I may say so, we are ridiculously mature for our age. We work, we don’t do drugs or smoke or even drink wine!! We save money, we close loans, we look after all 4 parents etc. But why of why, do you talk to us like we are 4 years old! Every time we turn, we get the “lokadda bagge nimghenu gothu?” which in Kannada means “what do you know about the world?” We get the same line in Tamil too (I know, lucky us)

Well, I am here today to say, we know one thing about “our world”, old people in our lives are annoying. All of them, my parents, the DH’s parents included. We have no clue what kind of sorcery or black magic you guys practice but you make us feel guilty & stupid & make bad decisions by just rasising your eyebrows. It has to stop.

Or…

NO GRANDCHILDREN.

EVER.

Regards,
Dee

Comments (23)

So angry

October 3, 2011 at 4:13 PM · Filed under Uncategorized

Life gets in our way so many times. We need the money, the fame, the adoration and the things. We forget what we had to get here – the people.

Be strong is such an easy & short sentence, but quite possibly the hardest one to hear when all you want to do is wallow in sadness and anger.

Sometimes, it re-affirms in me, why I don’t believe in God & why I will never believe in him/her/it.

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